Justin & Company,
Hello, my name is Tyler Snodgrass, and I lived in beautiful Springfield, Missouri, for the first 24 years of my life. Even though I’ve been living in Chicago for the past two years, I still miss Springfield very much, and I’m quite invested in its future. This is why I am writing an open letter to you. I know, I know—some readers will think “another open letter on the internet!? This is old hat and played out!” But I assume you are still living in the year 1999 and this medium for social change, satire, etc, might be brand new to you. So here we are.
You probably know what this is about, don’t you? It’s about the enhanced indecent exposure ordinances, which you initially proposed, and which was narrowly passed through City Council a few days ago. Your newsfeed has probably been blowing up about it! I deeply care about my hometown, and so upon hearing the news, I had to think: Is this ordinance good, necessary, or helpful in any way? I wasn’t sure and so I asked others what they thought about the law, and about you.
Would you believe it? People had things to say! People have said things like, “[You] misinterpreted the point of the “Free The Nipple” rallies, and instead of focusing on gender equality, reacted in a way that was immature and unhelpful,” and “The law only succeeds in blaming and punishing women for the hypothetical acts of lewd men,” and “[You] probably like Footloose and The Scarlet Letter, but for all the wrong reasons.”
At first I agreed with these thoughts. When I was thinking hard about it, the passing of a stricter public indecency ordinance seemed completely unnecessary, I thought it an incorrect use of council time and energy, and I thought that the supporters were an embarrassment to Springfield. But then I stopped thinking, and your side made a lot of sense. It’s all so clear now! I just stopped using logic and empathy, and now I agree with you, Justin: boobies are gross.
So thank you—thank you—for initiating this stricter ordinance. And I’d like to also thank Rev. Fischel, Rev. McClure, Goody Ferguson, and Goody Fulnecky for helping to pass it. You fine folks are finally protecting this community against the subtle parts of the breast and butt I didn’t even know I was allowed to worry about. But, really, I agree with you, Justin. Boobs are icky. And like you, I’d prefer they just not exist at all. Breasts, even when pretty much covered up, transform perfectly reasonable men into these nightmarish sexual lunatics! Like a werewolf when it sees a full moon (or even a butt crack!). You’re right: boobs are for perverts. In fact, I think you said it best when you said, “God is a pervert for creating breasts in the first place.” I know you didn’t exactly say that, but I know that’s what you meant to say, so I’ll go ahead and give you the credit. People can now attribute that quote to you. You’re welcome, Justin.
I’ll be visiting Springfield again in a few months, and just to make sure I know where the line is on this new ordinance, I was wondering if you could answer a few questions for me. First, is it still OK for me to show my nipples? I’m a man, you should know. And things ought to be different for men, right? So my nips are cool? You’d prefer to look at my nipples in public, right? You think my nipples are totally legal and also quite nice, right?
Next question: can art featuring women’s nipples be on display? Could a fully-nippled painting exist in a gallery downtown, or at our local art museum? For example, here is The Birth of Venus, painted by William-Adolphe Bouguereau in 1879.
Would this be acceptable or is it too erotic? Actually, don’t bother answering. I already know we both agree that art sucks.
Is there more we can do to protect our families, and our family’s families, from exposure to side-boob, underboob, “coin slot,” and more? What we if got rid of the nipples on baby bottles? They kinda look like real nipples, and we don’t need to create a habit of perversion in babies. I’m also willing to give up eating chicken breasts if it helps the cause. Heck, if we could get rid the word “abreast” entirely, that would be really helpful. It’s just too close to breast! I know the word means, “side by side” or “alongside with something,” but I can’t even hear or read the word abreast without being driven wild with desire, and then the only way I can get my shame erection under control is to either suppress the rights of other people or start a Facebook argument. I imagine we’re the same in that way, too, Justin.
“God is a pervert for creating breasts in the first place.” -Justin Burnett
Justin and friends, because of your bravery I’ve decided to start an organization. And I hope you’ll assist me with it. The organization is meant to help young people realize how horrible they’ve acted and dressed, and then once they’ve felt bad about it, reform them and make them quiet, upstanding citizens. It’s called Values And God In North America. I really think V.A.G.I.N.A. is going to get this country back on track. With your help, influence, and donations, the values we know and love can come back! And then we’ll party (and also dress, think, legislate, discriminate, and carelessly victimize) like it’s 1999! Even if you think boobs are gross (and they are), I think you’ll really enjoy what V.A.G.I.N.A. has to offer.
I’ll send you my PayPal so you can donate to the cause soon enough. Thank you in advance!
See you at Christmas,