Fake Spoilers for The Hobbit

There are going to be three Hobbit movies, and if you’d rather skip this first movie and see the other two, here are the appropriate fake spoilers that you need to know so that you aren’t not missing anything.

  • Bilbo Baggins is the Jason Bateman of hobbits.
  • Orcs turn out to not be evil, but are just misunderstood.
  • Gandalf the Grey is considered a great wizard because he uses an iPad.
  • 90% of the dwarves can easily be mistaken for a bearded Geddy Lee of Rush.
  • The goblin horde’s design is based on various “mines” levels from “Donkey Kong Country” for SNES.
  • The dragon who takes over the Dwarves’ kingdom is played by Scrooge McDuck.
  • Hobbits dress like hipsters; or, hipsters dress like hobbits.
  • The Hobbit is actually a documentary about LARPing.
  • Radagast the Brown was played by The Lorax.
  • Everyone winds up being saved at the last second, thanks to AMERICA.

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