My roommate just had his wisdom teeth removed, and when I was finished trying to convince him that Adventure Time was real life (on account of the pain killers in his brain), I remembered by own experience with recovering from the teeth being pulled out of my head. Well, actually my four teeth were so impacted that they had to be chiseled out of my mouth, and I woke up mid-surgery because of this. Anyway, back in January of 2009, as I was recovering from the surgery, I wrote this article, which previous to now was only a “note” on Facebook.
Tyler’s Wisdom Tooth Removal Surgery Recovery Journal (January 2009)
10:15 AM–The surgery begins; an IV (not “4”) is put in my arm to knock me out. The needle falls out for some reason. They put another in. The last thing I remember is being told I’m going to have a bruise there.
??:??–I wake up and am have to put under again so they can go get the final two invisible teeth.
??:??–My nose to my chin is completely numb. I am home and try to drink from a glass. After I find my lips, I pour juice into them. Juice and blood promptly fall out of my senseless face and on to my pants.
Minutes later: I change pants.
7:ish PM–My face can feel again!
8:12 AM–I continue taking Hydrocodone and holding bags of frozen peas against my face.
10:00–The painkillers make me incredibly tired, so I sleep. As I sleep my feet often spasm, which wakes me up. When I don’t wake up from involuntary muscle movements, I have vivid dreams. I do not recall if they are in color.
10:56–I dream that my gums and teeth switch places. It makes no effing sense.
12:00 NOON–I eat non-solids. My face smells like peas.
3:22 PM–I force myself to stay awake to watch television, and, I’ll admit, the pills make me a little loopy when I don’t sleep. I get up from my chair to grab some more peas and proclaim aloud to my dog, “I am SO tall right now!”
8:50–I dream that I’ve won the lottery. In my dream, literally nothing changes in my life after winning millions of dollars except that I take maintaining my scholarships for school less seriously. I realize how boring I actually am.
7:30 AM–I notice swelling on my face has began. It looks like a fatter version of my face. Luckily, I’m still pretty cute.
8:45–I begin having lengthy discussions with my dog, Rowdy, about what the next Christopher Nolan Batman movie will contain now that Heath Ledger cannot appear in it.
9:17–Heath Ledger visits me in a dream. He assures me that he has only faked his death to increase ticket sales and will reveal this joke shortly so that he can appear in the third Batman. His good friend Andy Kaufman will reveal that his own death was also a fake simultaneously.
11:20–It hurts to smile or laugh. In order to keep myself from doing either I watch MadTV.
2:34 PM–Prompted by the promise of friends visiting me and delivering ice cream, I shower for the first time in three days.
3:09–Friends visit. I’m hardly coherent.
5:28–To increase the healing process, I switch from putting frozen peas on my face to leeches.
8:11–I start taking the pills with alcohol. Rubbing alcohol.
11:11–I make a wish.
4:45 AM–The hallucinations begin.
9:09–I dream that the walls of my house are covered in bees and I can’t escape because the doors and windows are covered in bees as well. ‘Smessed up.
9:50–I wake up to find Hide And Seek, the horror movie with Robert DeNiro, that annoying little girl, and the hot chick from the X-men movies, is playing on TV. I fall asleep again shortly after realizing this.
10:13–I dream that Robert DeNiro is hunting me down in a flooded cave. Also, there are some bees in there.
12:41 PM–I start to play with the stitches in my mouth. The fun never stops.
3:00–Jack Nicholson warns me not to take the pills.*
5:21–I perfect my Richard Nixon impression.
6:30–Bad judgement: I give an hour and a half of guitar lessons, which makes my face very sore from all the talking. But I gave them in pajamas, something I had never thought of doing before, and that part was awesome.
9:47–I come up with a plot to kill Hitler. Realizing that Hitler is already dead, I reserve the conspiracy for Bill O’Reily.
3:56 AM–Wake up and start hearing colors.
11:00–My face begins to bruise. I claim I got it from a fight. And that I won the fight. Both statements are preposterous.
3:33 PM–I start composing an ambitious rock opera based on the made-for-TV musical Halloween Is Grinch Night until I am interrupted by bugs crawling beneath my skin.
5:60–hopelessly addicted to the painkillers.
10:15 AM–I check myself into rehab. I tell my friends and family I am going to “work,” “church,” or “anywhere, BUT NOT REHAB!”
*Yes, that’s TWO Heath Ledger/Dark Knight jokes. I was such an edgy kid.