What I Think I Know About Australia

In less than 24 hours I will be embarking on an adventure to Australia to do just that: adventure. My good friend, Scott, has been there since the winter (that’s the American winter, the correct winter, as it is currently winter in Australia, which is our summer)  and he and I have the as-of-now vague mission of cramming as much precarious excitement as two Midwestern American boys can into five duty-free weeks. We’ll also be doing improv shows, writing, and possibly some stand-up shows. Or, that’s the lightly penciled plan, at least.

In spite of driving on the wrong side of the road, and toilets flushing the wrong direction, Australia has harnessed the magic of the internet, so I’ll be doing my best to keep my mother and bored facebook friends updated on  my travels, my adventures, and the amount of indigenous animals I’ve eaten.

I like to joke and say that my first year of teaching inspired me to run away to the other side of the world. This is not exactly true. My first year of teaching was an incredible, invaluable experience, and it has forced me/allowed me to grow up in more ways than I frankly would have wished (consistent bedtime, holding in farts, etc). I’m barely 23, but I feel much older when I’m “on the job”, in spite of the fact that I look younger than some of the whippersnappers I teach, and it’s time to let my inner-though-less-angsty-and-less-irresponsible Holden Caulfield jump into the rye field and be curious and carefree. But this isn’t an excuse to be childish. Whatever my level of maturity is, I am hopeless to resist it and turn it permanently off, so this trip is more of an excuse to be childlike, while getting the chance to explore something new with a sensible, grown-up perspective.

As I’ve grown, I’ve tried to be more purposeful in the experiences I choose to be a part of. I don’t know all the details of my upcoming trip, so I’m trusting that I discover purpose in the events along the way. Part of my adventure’s purposefulness will be learning about another area, culture, lifestyle, and so on. I really don’t know much about Australia right now. But there are a few things I think I know, and I think I know them for sure, pretty much.

Re: Australia, I think I know…

  • That every animal in can easily kill me. (Mostly by biting, though Kangaroos can box)
  • My flight leaves June 6th from Los Angeles, CA,  and I arrive June 8th in Sydney, AUS. I will be one of the few people living between June 6th and 8th of the year 2012 to never experience June 7th. It’s as if it is never happening.
  • On the way home I am scheduled to arrive in LA at an earlier time than I leave Sydney. And that is freakin’ time travel.
  • Girls with Australian accents automatically earn attractiveness bonus points.
  • “Foster’s” is not actually Australian for “beer.”
  • I’ll be reading Ernest Hemingway’s memoir and his short stories on the plane for manly inspiration during the flight.
  • It’s mostly a desert, which could also easily kill me.
  • They sometimes spell words with u’s next to o’s when we don’t do that so much. It’s like their favorite/favourite thing to do.
  • That people will just smile and give you a Vegemite sandwich. Also, that this is the land where the beer does flow and men chunder.
  • Chunder means vomit.
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6 thoughts on “What I Think I Know About Australia

  1. Snod, this is hilarious. I absolutely love your writing. The enjoyment I got from reading your blogs is the original reason I started one. Everyone kept telling me I should, but I thought nah that’s too self indulgent. But then I found myself reading yours and loving it. So I figured if I loved yours then perhaps others would like mine too. (That sounds vaguely like a put down but it’s not). I’m stoked that you’re going to Australia. Happy travels. I’ll be following your snoop bloggy blog

  2. Also, Australian girls love the American boys. I think it is because they can beat us up or that we dont them up like the Auzzies. One or the other.

  3. First off. You’re going to a prison so make sure to smuggle in something you can later fashion into a shiv.

    Not all the animals can kill you, but that doesn’t mean they won’t try. Be wary of snakes, (Australia is home to more venemous snakes than anywhere in the world) crocodiles, (Australias crocodile population actually hunts humans) and koalas (they’ll rip your face off.)

    Remember that Australia is still a commonwealth of the United Kingdom but its where all the rednecks in England ended up. So techincally you’re in England’s Alabama.

    Remember that “fanny” is the AU word for p*$$y so don’t be referencing yours or any one else’s “fanny pack.” Also “root” is a very bad word. Don’t say it outside of a pub.

  4. Typo: “so I’ll be doing my best to keep my mother and bored facebook friends updated on my travels”
    Double-spaced between “on” and “my.”
    Your students are proud.

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