Concerts are Proving I’m Becoming An Old Man

Back when I was a minor, I hated the fact that there were ages 21+ only concerts. I thought it was unfair and whoever planned the event was trying to “protect” us youngsters from something we didn’t need protection from. Now that I’m 22, I realize that those shows are to protect the adults from teenagers.

I’m not trying to sound like curmudgeon or a jerk, and I really care about teenagers (I do teach them after all), but teenagers are really obnoxious at concerts. They could just stand there, sway, clap, sing, mouth words, fist pump, or jump while the music is going on, and that would be totally fine. But they refuse. They want to mosh. And during a hipster band of all things. Musically and lyrically, there is literally nothing to be angry or aggressive about. Yet these wannabe punks create a little whirlpool of skinny, sweating, white bodies, which shove and collide like billiards balls until they tire, or until enough people on the outside of the mosh start shoving or throwing elbows at the moshers. The teens have successfully ruined a song when I am more interested in elbowing a sprawling mosher in the face, than I am in listening to the music.

Worse than anything was the constant (and I mean constant) attempts at crowd surfing. And I really do mean “attempts.” About 85% of the kids who ran and jumped at the crowd, or were lifted up by a few buddies, were met with the support of very few arms, and clumsily landed. It seemed this consistent lack of success inspired every dope who wasn’t getting enough attention from his or her friends to try to surf the crowd.

Does anyone actually like it when people crowd surf? The security sure doesn’t, since they eventually start pulling the fools down to everyone else’s level. None of the people I was near enjoyed crowd surfing, since we had to take our focus away from the band and worry about taking a kick from the sky in our faces.

Here are my suggestions for dealing with [the more successful] crowd surfers:

1. Steal their shoe. Most likely, these hipsters are going to be wearing TOMS or some shoe that slips on and off. If they surf near you, take one of their shoes and throw it as far away from them as possible. They will be less concerned about riding a platform of hands when they just lost half of a $60 pair of fashionable shoes. Their wallets also work, if you can get to them.

2. Stand out of the way. And take nearby people with you, so you create a gap for them to fall into, like on a stage of Super Mario. They wont lose a life, but they also probably wont try to disrupt your concert again after landing flatly on beer-soaked concrete, awkwardly staring up at those that neglected to hold them.

3. Just force them down. If you get the chance to “pass” a crowd surfer, just take their head and shove it downward. The rest of their body will follow, just like doing a back flip off a diving board (it is for this reason that it is important you go for the head). You and gravity are now a fun little team of crime-fighters, (literally) taking down those who don’t share your beliefs. This is possibly the most satisfying action you can take.

I actually really enjoyed the show, so I’m not trying to complain too much. But to any minors reading this, you’ll understand when you are 22 and just want to enjoy live music without exchanging sweat with as many people as possible. Oh, and wear some freaking sleeves. I don’t know how your arms sweat so much, but they do, so keep them to yourself.

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