As a chaperone, a high school teacher, and as a decent male human being, I’ve noticed and have been appropriately disgusted by the large amount (and would be by any amount) of bros on vay-cay, here in Panama City Beach (FL), who hit on our high school girls. I’m glad I wasn’t around our girls too often in PCB because there is only so much disappointment I can harbor for mankind in a week. So, I have a few things to say to these bros at the brocean:
1. Really, does doing that (whatever you just did) work for you? Hey, Broseph, does whistling as you pass by on your garbage-clean-up tractor really get the ladies? Does that really impress the girls who have never heard that on a Looney Tunes cartoon when one character dresses up as a woman to trick another? Hey, Brosiah, does cat-calling like a sleazy stereotypical construction worker make girls go back to your filthy hotel room? And at 2:00PM, when everyone is sober except for you and your sunburnt (too tough for sunscreen?) buds? Hey, Pres. Broosevelt, does just shouting at women to “come here,” like they are your dog in the neighbor’s yard, really make them do just that? How about when you honk at them from your parked car? Do tell. I’d love to hear your track record.
2. They are illegal. Can you really not tell that these girls are at least 5 years younger than you? Are you really attracted to girls who aren’t old enough to vote? Is this “type” of girl (underaged) your first choice, or have you just already been shut down by all the females that you could possibly run into at the quad? Perhaps you don’t have a preference. I’m betting you don’t have a preference. Way to reach for the middle, or whatever is available, JeBrodiah.
3. I have a better idea. In fact, I have a slew of them. Instead of hitting on these poor high schoolers who clearly want nothing to do with you or your tribal tat, bury yourself alive in the sand. Or walk into the ocean until you hit the next continent. Get a face tattoo that says “PLEASE IGNORE ME.” Focus on learning to spontaneously combust. Or be nice to a girl. Not on vacation, but beforehand, so you can take her with you to your vacation. That’d probably be nice. Also, if you are going to shout at a girl in an attempt to appear immediately charming or attractive, put away the beer bong and try to distance yourself from the pack of identical, mouth-breathing shirtless men.
The HTV Bus Tour is leaving for Charleston tomorrow. I have ten hours of driving to allow myself to forget that these kinds of smarmy human men exist. This weekend is one of the thousands I’m glad I was never a teenage girl.