Hey Y’all: Buy a Car, Get a Gun

I’ve really been into fake news lately. I’ve written three articles for Fair City News (the Ozarks’ locally-written version of The Onion) in fewer weeks, after I hadn’t written any article in a long time. Usually my fake news articles are written about things I’ve seen (or assumed) (“Local Couple Gets Married In Order To Have Sex”) or just thought might be funny (“Hipster Discovers He Is A Hipster”), but it is rarely inspired by real news. Until now.

Late the other night when I was about to go to sleep I heard a terrifying commercial on the radio: a car dealership is giving away guns if you buy a car. This is not actually what happens–you get a voucher for a gun when you buy a car, they just don’t hand you a gun. But the commercial sure made it sound that way. I hopped out of bed to write down the name of the dealership so I could look it up it the morning.

Later, I found this video. (<<Click that)

Finding this strange and scary and funny, I immediately wrote an article about it for Fair City News, which I appreciate them putting up for me: here. (Please read, and I hope you enjoy!)

I have no problem with guns. I just don’t use them because I’m not a sissy (I hunt animals with my bare hands or illusions), nor am I paranoid of other people with guns trying to use their guns on me. I don’t expect a zombie apocalypse very soon (melee weapons will last longer anyway). I don’t expect to participate in an anarchist revolt requiring weapons. I’m not in a feud with a rapper on either the West or East Coast. I’m not a murderer, and my family hasn’t been murdered by a mob boss, requiring me to exact revenge. If other people in The Ozarks feel like they are experiencing one of the above circumstances, then I have no problem with them needing or owning a gun. But even so, is getting a gun that big of an incentive to suddenly spend a several thousand dollars on a car?

I would think it would be pretty difficult to make people buy a new car just because they will receive another item. Here is what it would take for me:

  1. The car also time travels.
  2. Unlimited free gasoline forever.
  3. I get to fight any celebrity of my choice (I would either choose Jeff Dunham or The Edge from U2)
  4. I get my very own Lazarus Pit from the Batman comics.
  5. The ability to read minds.
  6. A nearly extinct animal to either keep as a pet, or to legally cook and eat.

But right now we are only getting guns. Go America.


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