A Few Ideas for How to Make the Comedy Central Roasts Good

I don’t think I’m being too picky when I say that the Comedy Central Roasts pretty much suck. The most recent Roast of Charlie Sheen was the highest rated CCR (please don’t confuse that acronym with the band, Credence Clearwater Revival) in the history of CCRs. And it was mostly awful. The original CCR, a roast of Denis Leary, was the most watched program in the history of Comedy Central as of 2003 (with the exception of a maybe a few South Park episodes). The Denis Leary Roast was a big deal, and not just because it was the first one–it was packed full of comedians, and it roasted a comedian! Pretty much everyone on stage made sense being there. Now fast forward a few years… Why is a hip hop group called B.A.M.A. performing at Jeff Foxworthy’s roast? Why is Warren Sapp roasting Larry the Cable Guy? Why Why is Mike Tyson roasting Charlie Sheen? Why is Hulk Hogan roasting David Hasselhoff? A better question may be, even, why did those last three even receive roasts? Larry the Southern Stereotype is sort of reasonable (I guess) but the other two? And Donald Trump? And Pamela Anderson? They were only roasted because they are EASY TARGETS. How many times can an audience member of reasonable intelligence hear a joke about drunk Hasselhoff eating a cheeseburger off the floor–or Charlie Sheen being crazy? Between zero and one times. Why so few? Because there aren’t that many clever things even the best comedians in the business can say about it. Also, by the time these roasts air, jokes have already been made on The Tonight Show, Late Night, every other talk show, SNL, The Daily Show, Youtube parodies, Twitter, Facebook, College Humor, MAD Magazine, and probably South Park. So, my first suggestion for making the Comedy Central Roasts better:

1. Pick Someone Worthy of Being Roasted–an established comedian, not some easy target.

A roast should be based around someone who has a rich history of things to admire and to mock. There’s really only fun in ripping into someone’s terrible projects if we all know they have done better. The Hoff, Trump, and even Larry the Cable Guy don’t have any truly glorious accomplishments to round out the crap, for which they are being mocked. Here is a short list of people I think could be great roast honorees:

• Lorne Michaels (the cast would be mostly SNL people! How great would that be!?)
• Larry David (assuming anyone can roast him better than he roasts himself)
• Jerry Seinfeld (if we can’t get Larry David)
• Marc Maron (a hugely respected, yet widely disliked by comic aquaintances, veteran comic, rapidly gaining a cult following again thanks to his excellent WTF Podcast)
• Tracy Morgan (this would be crazy)
• Jay Leno (he would never agree, because he is actually an easy target)
• Steve Martin (this would be awesome, if you could find many negative things to say other than about Pink Panther 2)
• Bill Murray (same as Martin, but with the Garfield movies)
• Robin Williams
• Dennis Miller (while not as famous as many of the others, he is an outspoken Republican contributor on Fox News, which means this roast could last for days)
• Ben Stiller (this would be great assuming anyone could top Zach Galifianakis’ line on “Between Two Ferns,” when he says to Ben Stiller, “Have you ever considered following your parents into comedy?”)
• Jon Stewart (Maybe the hottest comedian out of any of the above today, but also with the worst movie track record–so, great!)

Once the perfect person has been selected to roast, the roasters need to be determined. This is the next suggestion I would make to Comedy Central:

2. Pick Roasters Worthy of Roasting–make them comedians, and make them good ones.

No more Jon Lovitz or Andy Dick, please. Or Lisa Lampanelli. Let’s get some people who are clever and don’t just make jokes about other roasters being “SO gay” or “SO *insert nonsense sex joke here*” etc. Here is another short list of comedians I think would be capable, and would probably agree to do a CCR, if they knew it wouldn’t be terrible:

• Norm MacDonald (the best part of the Bob Saget Roast, no doubt)
• Anthony Jeselnik (this young comic had the best joke of the Charlie Sheen Roast: “Charlie, the only reason you got on television in the first place is because God hates Michael J. Fox.” That’s so clever and mean (to at least three people, including God) and shocking and hilarious. Those are the kinds of jokes these roasts need.)
• Amy Schumer (because we need a lady who isn’t Lisa Lampanelli or Whitney Cummings)
• Patton Oswalt (go find the live album “Patton vs Zach vs Alcohol vs Patton,” because it is basically Patton and Zach Galifianakis drunk and roasting each other while sharing a stage at some standup show, and it is great)
• Zach Galifianakis (find the album above. Also, he is a pretty excellent roaster on “Between Two Ferns,” you can check out the Ben Stiller and Steve Carrell ones specifically.)
• Seth Myers (he just killed it at the Whitehouse Correspondents Dinner. He roasted Trump better than anyone at Trump’s own roast did. And he even roasted Obama. C’mon. You’re imagining him roasting Lorne Michaels now, aren’t you. It’s OK, me too.)
• Daniel Tosh (Comedy Central owns him, and he’s kind of a jerk, so he’d be perfect)
• Louis CK (if only if only if only)
• Jon Stewart
• Stephen Colbert
• John Oliver
• Neil Hamburger (one of the great/horrible anti-comedians, roasters of everything in general today)

And I’ll stop there, because there are only so many hours in a day I can devote myself to comedic fantasies. I would add the ghost of Greg Giraldo if I could. And I didn’t mention Jeff Ross because I assume he has to be there no matter what. I’ll let him in so long as he doesn’t wear a stupid outfit, which he has done a few times now. Also, Todd Barry would be hilarious, I think.

Not only should Comedy Central invest in some quality comedians, but they should limit the roasters to these comedians:

3. The Roasters Should Make Sense

This means no more Seth MacFarlane, first of all. This dude has been the “roast master” of the last three roasts, which hasn’t made any sense any of the times, because I’m sure he isn’t actually connected to David Hasselhoff, Donald Trump, or Charlie Sheen (none of which are comedians, again). The best thing MacFarlane has to offer as a roast master is randomly doing Stewie’s voice, and that is pathetic. He isn’t even really worth roasting at this point–he’s been taking hits the last three roasts, and South Park already ripped on Family Guy better than I can imagine anyone else would be able to.

This also means no Courtney Love, Mike Tyson, Steve-O, The Situation, Hulk Hogan, etc. Again: they are easy targets, and could be a lame or cruel punchline even if they aren’t present, if need be. Even though I like to see losers like these take a hit, they get their chance to roast, which is five to ten miserable minutes we’ll never get back. These chumps’ terrible attempts at roasting don’t justify the bulls eyes on their foreheads.

So, there you go–I’ve solved the Roast problem at Comedy Central. Now they just need to put the plan into action.

Unnecessary Movie Reviews: The Saw Series

No one really needs to see any Saw movie other than Saw (the original), or maybe Saw II, if you really, really liked the first one. After that, they just get more and more ridiculous, but they don’t necessarily get worse and worse. There are currently seven (yes, seven) Saw movies, and ranking them from best to worst would be something totally unnecessary because I can’t imagine a person outside of myself who would even care or think up such a list, but I’m going to do it anyway.

The Saw series, in order from best to worst, with a brief explanation as to why.

1. Saw–because it has the most solid plot, isn’t actually gory (unlike its sequels), is actually suspenseful, and has Danny Glover and Cary Elwes.

2. Saw II–because it is the second least worst.

3. Saw IV–because if you’ve seen Saw III, then the twist is really good. Also, DONNY WAHLBERG’S HEAD EXPLODES BETWEEN TWO BLOCKS OF ICE.

4. Saw 3D (VII)–You can take comfort in knowing they wont be making any others. Also, hilarious gore. Also, the return of Cary Elwes, after ALL THESE YEARS! (Oh, and that’s a spoiler right there)

5. Saw III–it doesn’t even align with the original concepts and rationales for the traps, which were established in the first two movies. Things were getting too elaborate, it was no longer even close to realistic. Weak twist. Just lousy.

6. Saw VI–Hilariously bad traps, and the whole thing is some sort of lame comment on the state of health care in America.

7. Saw V–Basically, everybody dies because they didn’t work together. C’mon, Jigsaw.

A Rough Draft of a Chapter from My Science Fiction Novel, “Dusk McThunder”

Space Captain Dusk McThunder woke up in a cold sweat. This was the third sleep cycle in a row he dreamt of his father, and how his father tragically died. He hadn’t recalled his father this often since he was a child, and he desperately wanted the memory out of his mindvault. No, thought Dusk, don’t think about Father–about that day at the carnival. No no no no no no no no no. 

Dusk rolled out of his sleep pod, disappointed to be awake several lighthours before his alarm again, and decided to begin his day early. Being the captain of the By-Tor X2330, the finest military spacecraft New America had to offer, was a busy and stressful job, so Dusk was used to sleeping very little. He strapped on his Space Pants, buttoned his Galaxy Helmet, and tightened his Captain’s Sash–no captain could address his crew or pilot his vessel without being properly dressed, as is stated in The Code.

Dusk exited his quarters and was greeted. “Good spacemorning, Captain,” said T8V3, the crew’s servant robot, “what foodstuffs may I prepare for you?”

“Steak,” grunted Dusk.

“Steak, sir?” questioned T8V3, “Why not something more breakfast-like to start your day? Like oatmeal or powdered eggs?”

“I said steak. Now.”

“Yes, sir. Right away.” T8V3 knew that Dusk was having dreams again about the death of his father, the once famous Space Captain Dr. Dunk McThunder. He knew this because he was a psychic robot, though he could never tell the crew because he knew it would ruin his relationship with each of them, and also because he was not even fully aware that he was psychic, because T8V3 could read everyone’s mind but his own. (note: maybe make the robot a she for an awesome twist later?)

The adorable (if you could see him, you’d know) mind-reading robot finished preparing the Captain’s walrus steak and laid it on the table in front of Dusk, careful not to break the ceramic spaceplate with his adorable metal claws. Walrus meat was Dusk McThunder’s favorite food, as he was a red-and-purple-blooded meat-eating New American, and meat was scarce on Earth since that meteor hit in 2040. The Walri managed to outlive most other animal species, however, and began to take over many areas of land. In Earth Year 2112 they currently have possession over all of Antarctica, Australia, the southern tip of Africa, and all of Texas. The Walri have evolved into an incredibly intelligent species and trade their weakest and dumbest in the form of meat to humans in exchange for energy drinks and giant toothbrushes. They occasionally run for political offices and are incredibly popular with Born-Again Republican voters.

But that is irrelevant to our story, so back to our hero, Dusk, who was currently chewing on a delicious slab of walrus, once named Hugo, who did awful on the Walrus SATs. Dusk swallowed the last of poor Hugo, and washed the idiot down with a glass of crater juice.

“Thanks, T8,” said Dusk, “But now it is time to get to work.” (note: maybe say “it’s” so it sounds more casual?) The New American government gave Dusk a very important mission: finding the notorious space pirate, Chode Bolo, who had recently escaped from Moon Prison. This was a dangerous task, but no one was better suited than Dusk.

Dusk adjusted his sash and leaned into his Captain’s Chair, staring at the vast black galaxy. I’m gonna track you down, Chode. I’m going to avenge my father’s death, thought Dusk. Then, in a spontaneous fit of anger, he slammed his hand on the controls desk. He was super emotional about this whole Chode thing (note: maybe rephrase that line). Just as he was on the verge of weeping, Martini Vanno, the sexy female space spy, hired by New America CIA/NASA to work with Dusk and the crew, walked by the cockpit door.

“Captain McThunder?” said Martini.

“Yes? What?” said Dusk, startled, and sucking up a single tear with the vacuum in his Galaxy Helmet.

“Is everything OK?” She walked in. So sexy.

“Of course. Just planning our next move to find that blasted criminal, Ms. Vanno. Nothing to worry about.” He flashed her a smile. The sexyual tension was so thick, one could cut it with a spaceknife (note: maybe just “knife?”).

“What is our next move, Captain?” asked Martini, her dark hair wofting like there was a fan nearby, even though there wasn’t. So, so sexy.

“Well if I know Chode Bolo, he’ll be back to doing what he does best–intercepting asteroids and selling them to space terrorists, so that they may be used to build various crushing devices. Or grinding the asteroids up into drugs and selling them to Martian children. Either way, we are paying a visit to my brother, Spunk McThunder. He’s a space geologist and would know exactly which types of asteroids are worth the most at the moment, and therefore, what type of asteroids Bolo will be going for,” said Dusk.

“Brilliant! How far away is your brother?”

“Just about a lightday’s travel away, on a nearby planet, Pilxth,” said Dusk. “And we need to really get a move on. Go wake the crew, Martini, tell them to start operating the speed pump and gravity belts, because we’ve got quite a trip ahead of us.”

“Yes, sir!” Martini said and ran off too alert the crew, her space high heels clunking loudly against the metal floor, alerting everyone within earshot that she was wearing an accessory totally impractical and unnecessary, but way sexy, so no one questioned it.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Really Brief Reviews of the Books I Read in 2011

In my personal world of reading, 2011 was the year of reading books I should have already read long ago. 2011 essentially consisted of my last semester of college (student teaching), my summer in which I prepared to teach (because homeboy landed a job!), and teaching my first semester of high school English to sophomores and juniors. In order to teach the necessary books, I had to read them, and I was amazed to see how many curricular classics I had somehow avoided in my high school and college studies. I mean, I read some other books too, and those were usually great, but I read a lot of stuff I wish I had read when I was 16. Here is the list as I can best remember it (in no particular order):

Animal Farm by George Orwell–A weird and fantastic 109 pages (depending on the book you have, of course). I will teach it later this spring, and am looking forward to reading this dark fable another 4-5 times in order to do that.

1984 by George Orwell–I know, I know, I only just read both of the big Orwell books last year. Once I read this book, I started noticing how many things reference it. Music in particular. David Bowie, Radiohead, and Rage Against the Machine, for example.

Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck–I know, I know, I know, I’m a terrible person for having not read this sooner. This book is the best. So far, it is my absolute favorite to teach, and students typically love it. I read it aloud to my sophomores and I’ve had students gasp when I read the climax, and cry when I read the ending. And that’s really satisfying.

In Cold Blood by Truman Capote–I read this over the summer, mostly while in California visiting a friend and sleeping on his couch. Anytime I heard any noises outside his apartment, I’d get really freaked out. Well done, Capote, you murderer-loving nutbar.

Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer–I pretty much don’t care to read or watch anything related to a national tragedy, but this book kept me entertained as I traveled by bus across our Southern states. Mysterious, sweet, sad, and funny.

The Invention of Hugo Cabret–I hear the move, Hugo, based on this book is great. I wasn’t super into the book. It is a cool idea: there are full-page drawings on some page and prose on others, kind of like reading a silent film, but I didn’t think too many of the pictures actually helped in telling the story. A graphic novel is better for incorporating art and prose in my opinion.

3 Story by Matt Kindt–Speaking of graphic novels, here is one of my new favorites! The story is about a man who cannot and will not keep growing, becoming a literal giant, and Kindt attempts to realistically imagine what life would be like for such a human. There are three different perspectives telling the story, each from different characters related to the giant. And the art is amazing. Read this one.

Habibi by Craig Thompson–Thompson, the author of Blankets, which might be my favorite graphic novel, and is a story I feel like I relate to the more I reread it, finally released this nearly 700-page monster last year. Not many good things happen in this story, and it is sort of hard to get through, I found. But it is a really interesting and well-told story all the same, with some of the most outstanding art I’ve ever seen in a book. I probably spent as much time just staring at the illustrations as I did reading the text, if not more so. I can’t praise Thompson’s art enough.

Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi–Honestly, I don’t remember too many specifics about this graphic novel. But it is creative nonfiction (my favorite), autobiographical, and has a really fun minimalist style of illustration. I know I liked it.

Thoreau at Walden by John Porcellino (and Henry David Thoreau)–This is the graphic novel version of Thoreau’s Walden. And I loved it. It takes all the best aphorisms and concepts and cuts away the fat from the original (if you think there is any “fat” in Walden anyway) and accompanies it with pictures!

Night by Elie Wiesel–I don’t know how I never read this before. I think it was assigned in high school and I just didn’t do it. Because I was an idiot. This holocaust memoir will break your heart and the read is worth it.

The Pearl by John Steinbeck–It is no Of Mice and Men, but it is a nice novella. Worth reading if you know you like Steinbeck.

Live From New York by Tom Shales and James Andrew Miller–this is basically 600-page oral history of Saturday Night Live as told by the people who made the show happen from before its beginning until the early 2000′s. I’m a huge SNL nerd, so I couldn’t get enough of the behind-the-scenes secrets and drama, but I think it would still be interesting to even a normal fan of the show.

Dress Your Family In Corduroy and Denim by David Sedaris–Sedaris is one of my favorite writers, I own all of his books. Dress Your Family is probably my least favorite of his non-fiction books, but it was still really, really funny. And there are a few really sick (great) stories in there.

Fargo Rock City by Chuck Klosterman–this is a memoir/heavy metal analysis book. Heavy Metal/Hair Metal is my guilty pleasure music, and I was obsessed with a few (or several, or many) metal bands in high school, so this was right up my alley. Probably not for the non-heavy metal fans out there, though.

High Fidelity by Nick Hornby–I don’t know if reading this book is better or worse right after a breakup, but it seemed like the protagonist and I often had similar thoughts on our minds. I love the film, and the book was really fun too (again, a good book for music people. Or the ever-been-dumped-before, I guess), but the book is super British, so all the dialogue sounds extra intelligent or extra cute.

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins–Action-packed and fun, though I’m honestly a little surprised this book is so popular because I still kind of felt like it was pretty “teenage girlish”. (To be fair, the narrator and protagonist IS a teenage girl. And I am kinda excited for the movie.)

The Crucible by Arthur Miller–OK, I was supposed to have read this my junior year of high school. But I didn’t really “get it” then. I had to teach it last semester, so I made sure I “got it” this time. And it is really fun. High schoolers don’t automatically love it still, but it is definitely worth reading and teaching. And by reading, I mean watching, probably, because it is a play, and they are more fun to watch than read.

Storm Front by Jim Butcher–this was the last book I read in 2011 (that I can remember reading, I probably read some others). This book, much like The Hunger Games, is a non-stop action-packed book of fun and danger. But, unlike The Hunger Games, it is MANLY and set it CHICAGO. And stars a detective who is also a WIZARD. That’s right. You might think that sounds corny, and you’d be right, but that doesn’t keep the book from being really enjoyable.

Coming Clean (before it is cool): A Hipster Self Evaluation (plus jokes)

Splitsider.com recently published an interesting article called “The Rise and Fall of Hipster Bashing” under the blog category of “Tired Jokes.” As I read it, I thought multiple things. First, that of course hipster bashing is a tired joke form, and Second, that acknowledging the staled hipster jokes is kind of unoriginal itself (right?). And Third, that I am totally guilty of still making these exhausted jokes.

Hipsters have turned into a kind of stereotype, and jokes at their expense have become a little too easy. Most hipster jokes are as stereotyped as any homophobic, racist, or sexist joke out there by any unoriginal comedian or dude at your office (or anything from a Jeff Dunham stand-up set), except no one feels bad for hipsters, or thinks that hipster jokes “cross the line” because hipsters are usually white, privileged, and delusional (see: deserving of ridicule). But I’m not trying to defend them, because they are the worst (am I right, you guys? (High fives)). And I realize the unintentional irony attached to this sentiment coming from me, from someone who apparently appears very hipster to certain people.

There are a thousand different websites, blogs, books, and youtube videos you can look up to see hipster characteristics, or what they love/hate, but I’m just going to post splitsider’s list of 15 “most prevalent clichés”:

1. Hipsters are rich, usually from trust funds, though they decide to appear poor

2. Hipsters only do things ironically and embrace all things ironic

3. Hipsters judge others with self-adorned intellectual superiority

5. Hipsters have obscure taste in music/books/film/art and general “I liked blank before it was mainstream/cool”

6. Hipsters drink PBR or another cheap beer depending on region

7. Hipsters don’t have jobs, unless it’s as an artist, which is considered to not be a real job

8. Hipsters are lazy, dirty, and apathetic

9. Hipsters are posers who try hard to appear to not be trying hard

10. Hipsters’ style consists of: skinny jeans, scarves, flannel, glasses and/or sunglasses, non-baseballed hats, tattoos, American Apparel, Urban Outfitters, thrift stores, bangs for women and a moustache or beard for men

11. Hipsters smoke American Spirits or Parliaments depending on region

12. Hipsters ride fixed geared bicycles

13. Hipsters eat only vegan food or organic non-vegan food

14. Hipsters live in hipster neighborhoods; if in LA they’ll be on the Eastside (Silverlake, Echo Park, Los Feliz), if in New York City they’ll be in Brooklyn (most often Williamsburg)

15. Hipsters hate hipsters and believe they are not one

You may have noticed that #4 is missing. I don’t know what is up with that, either.

I’m a high school English teacher and apparently I had a class with one of my student’s older cousins during my first year of college. This student told me her cousin said I defined hipster. My first year of college, I still had a bad mop top haircut left over from high school and wore Pink Floyd and Dunder Mifflin T-shirts very non-ironically. I was less hipster then than I am now—I didn’t even know what a hipster was then, so I was skeptical. But I asked some other friends of mine if they thought of me when they thought of “hipster.” Of the few that I polled, they all said yes. I was in shock. I felt betrayed, not only by my “friends’” opinions of me, but by myself for letting me slip into hipsterdom. Check hipster cliché number 15, because I was accidentally living by it.

But really it was the only hipster cliché I was living by. And I don’t know if I’m a hipster or not because of that, and I don’t hate the idea of being thought of a hipster anymore, because I just like what I like and do what I do, which means rule 15 probably doesn’t apply to me anymore. I guess what I am saying is, I may be a hipster to some folks in Springfield, MO, but I am not good at being a hipster. And I can admit when I am not good at something—basketball, memorizing names, or maintaining a relationship with a girl I really like, for example.

Just for fun, let me try to disprove any attachment I have to these 15 (ahem, 14) clichés. First of all, I’m not rich, and do not try to look poor. I am unmarried, have a salary, and rent a house with roommates, so I’m making decent money for a 22 year old, but I’m not a rich man (fa la la la la la la la la).

I like irony, who doesn’t? But I don’t only embrace the ironic, and I non-ironically like a lot of things that most hipsters might fake like ironically—the 80s band The Outfield, for example, or Pokemon.

I don’t judge anyone for pretending to be intellectually elite—clearly they suck.

I don’t like anything obscure for the sake of it being obscure. My favorite band is Led Zeppelin. Probably the 3^rd least obscure band ever, right behind The Beatles and The Rolling Stones. Are They Might Be Giants obscure? They have like 15 albums, and some Grammys. Are John Hodgman or David Sedaris obscure authors? Are Arrested Development or Louie obscure TV shows? Honestly, I pretty much discover everything through people cooler than myself.

I don’t like cheap beer.

I’m a teacher, not an “artist,” not unemployed.

I’m not lazy, or dirty, and I’m only apathetic about things that don’t matter, like your friend’s new baby, or what Republicans are angry about now.

I’m not a poser trying hard to not appear to be trying hard, if anything I am a poser by not trying hard, and appearing like I am.

I do wear a lot of plaid, and I wear clothes that fit me. This may be where much of the “Tyler’s a hipster” notion is coming from, but in my defense, I am just trying to look good when I put on clothes, and “hipster clothes” often look best on skinny white people, and I am skinny white people. If I looked best dressed as a cowboy, a thug, or naked, I’d be any of those things. I do have a beard and mustache, but it is mostly to look older than my students (and, OK, in a sad attempt to attract hipster girls).

Don’t smoke.

Don’t ride a fixed gear bike. I have, and it was fun, like most bikes. But, frankly, it hurt my crotch.

Veganism disgusts me; name an animal, I’ll eat it.

I don’t live in a hipster neighborhood. I live in Springfield, MO, in a neighborhood called “Beverly Hills,” where the population is my house of young 20-somethings, old people, parents with children, and a few turds to break into unlocked cars.

I say all of this to say while I don’t really consider myself a hipster (but if I am, then that’s fine, whatever), I do feel like I’m a part of some hipster culture, or at least as close as my town can get. And because I am sort of “with it,” I felt like I could intelligently dish out the hipster jokes and bashes in a way that was smart and lively, but was still probably old hat to most people from 2009. I have written multiple satirical news articles about hipsters, I have jokes in my stand-up sets about hipsters, and I was hipster Abraham Lincoln for Halloween just a few months ago. And as hard as I tried to be clever, I’m fairly certain I am guilty of telling already-tired jokes. Maybe that is the missing 4^th cliché? That hipsters tell unimaginative jokes about their own kind in order to seem above “hipsterness?” That exact thing is pretty hip these days. And if that is the case, then I am 1/15 hipster (or something, don’t worry about the actual math right now). And so are a lot (lot lot lot) of people.

Insult comedy, mocking comedy, or satire in general works best when the source is genuinely knowledgeable, or even immersed in what is being joked about. Just look at Christopher Guest films like Spinal Tap or A Mighty Wind—Guest, McKean, and Shearer are real musicians who are really capable of playing metal and folk. Darrell Hammond’s Bill Clinton impression was so popular and memorable because, in spite of all the jokes and rips, Hammond studied and admired Clinton. Do you want to see a white comedian making fun of black people? Or a Christian comedian making fun of Muslims? Hopefully not, I think that sort of thing would make most of us uncomfortable. It’s funnier when people are making fun of their own population and culture—that is when a member of a group is likely to say something new, interesting, personal (not just hateful) and really, really funny.

To quote the splitsider article:

“[Hipsters] Like clowns, with puffy pants traded for tight ones, they do deserve to be laughed at, but the jokes simply need to get better. The viewer needs to claim offense as a matter of it being disrespectful — not to hipsters but to good comedy.”

So, if I am a hipster, I am going to do my part and try to comedically tear into hipster culture from the inside—in a way that is fresh, and worth listening to. Hipsters want to like cool things before they are already cool; I want to come up with funny jokes before they are already funny.

34 More Roller Derby Names (that are puns)

It has been a while since I’ve posted a new list of Roller Derby Pun Names. I blame this on time spent teaching children to appreciate, analyze, and understand literature and writing, as well as writing nonfiction articles, and raps (also, I’ve already written 111 of these!). But the puns are back and if you were thirsting for them, the pun-cun runneth over, so come take a drink.

1. Andy Jamberg
2. The Separation of Church and Skate
3. Don Quix Hottie
4. Natalie Angrier
5. Nido Queen Latifa
6. Guillotina Fey
7. Wander Woman (the one without any life direction)
8. Jam Beasley
9. Herstory
10. Skater? I Barely Know Her!
11. Roller Brown Derby (the alcoholic one)
12. Flabbigail Williams
13. Sufjam Stevens
14. Sarah Impailin’
15. Joan of Arcade (the nerdy one)
16. Ashton Butcher
17. The Dismemberists
18. Dr. Steve Cruel (for your not-health)
19. Slipster (the clumsy, hipster one)
20. Jon H.A.M.
21. Grave Matthews
22. David Owie
23. Huey Lewis and the Bruise
24. Racin’ette
25. Stun DMC
26. The Invention of Huge-o Cabaret
27. No White (the goth one)
28. Rosie the Pivotter (she takes really sharp turns!)
29. T-Wrecks
30. ChewBecka (her name is Becka. And she is pretty hairy)
31. Deadgar Allen Poe
32. Gary Larceny
33. Childish Jambino
34. Arthur Killer

Things Mark Twain Never Said

A few days ago Google let everybody know that it was Mark Twain’s 176th birthday with a specially illustrated logo on its homepage. Many Facebookers and tweeters were then inspired to post their favorite Mark Twain quote after Googling “Mark Twain Quotes.” Through one of my favorite author’s twitter pages, I found this link: 10 Things Mark Twain Didn’t Really Say. I read through it and I thought it was pretty interesting that we’ve associated Twain with so many famous phrases that don’t belong to him.

And this got me thinking about other things Mark Twain never said. Twain had one of the most intelligent, creative, clever, and dry minds that ever put thoughts on paper, and I think we should really appreciate that he never said any of the following things.

• That’s gay.
• OMG
• Wanna hear a racist joke? (Followed, of course, by looking around the room)
• Ugh, this iPhone is going so slow!
• IDK
• That sucks.
• k.
• Baby-daddy/baby-momma
• (or any other emoticon)

When Comedians do Music Legitimately: Donald Glover

This is an article series that will take a look at how some successful comedians or comedic actors have tried to branch out in to music. But non-comedic music.

Donald Glover is best known as the character Troy Barnes on NBC’s Community, or “the black guy on Community” for people who don’t really watch Community much. Though Glover has been a sketch comic (with Derrick Comedy), a writer (The Daily Show, 30 ROCK), actor (Community, Mystery Team), and stand-up comic since the early 2000’s, he has been rapping under the moniker Childish Gambino (which he found using a Wu-Tang Clan name generator) and DJing under the moniker mcDJ for nearly as long.

Glover really began to be noticed for his rapping ability while he attended New York University (he graduated with a degree in dramatic writing in 2006). He was making videos with Derrick Comedy, performing with an improv team, Hammerkatz, at the UCB theatre, and attending school while he was rapping/releasing his first rap album, The Younger I Get (Oh, and he was an RA in his dorm). The release date on this album, which has since been disowned by Glover himself, is kind of sketchy. Some sources say it came out in 2002, while Chaz Kangas, a dude that Glover would freestyle and once-collaborate with on his first “official” album, says that the album must have been recorded and distributed between 2004-2005 simply based on the timing of the references made in the lyrics. Either way, it is almost impossible to find a copy because so few people have it, and Glover doesn’t want it released. Because it sounds like the ramblings of a “decrepit Drake.”

In many of Childish Gambino’s songs, he raps about how he’s wanted to be a rapper/taken seriously as a rapper since he was in school. He gave rapping a real shot with his first official album, Sick Boi, which was released in 2008. “Sick Boi” is also the name of his “clique,” which consists of his friends in Derrick Comedy, who are occasionally featured rappers on his first two albums, as well as other rapper friends. Before the release of Sick Boi, Glover had already written for or appeared on The Daily Show, Channel 101, Late Night With Conan O’Brien, 30 ROCK, Human Giant, and many online sketch videos. The dude kept busy.

Gambino’s next album, Poindexter, was released on September 17, 2009. Like his previous effort, it was released for free on the internet. Childish Gambino was even busier in 2010, releasing two mixtapes entitled I Am Just A Rapper and I Am Just A Rapper 2, both of which feature sampled or complete songs from other artists, which he raps over, as opposed to creating his own beats. On July 3^rd, Culdesac, Gambino’s third album was released online. Gambino finally has found his own distinct, and natural-sounding voice by this point, and he sounds more natural than he does on his first two LPs or even on his two mixtapes. Culdesac is a great combination of hip-hop, indie rock, and R&B, which is especially enjoyable when combined with Glover’s serious and honest lyrics, even though they are composed with hilarious and highly creative wordplay. His lyrics often address the fact that he wants to be taken seriously as a rapper, even though he “talks white” and is best known for being a black comedian/hipster. He also frequently raps (and sometimes sings) about breakups, school bullies, goals, hard work, suicidal thoughts, vulgar jokes, and alcoholism.

Below is my favorite track from Culdesac, “Hero”. Warning: these tracks contain naughty language.

In the time Glover had recorded and released Culdesac, he had already left 30 ROCK as a writer and began acting as Troy Barnes on Community. He would soon start to be recognized as a stand-up comic thanks to a Comedy Central Presents as well as a stand-up tour. Childish “King of Similes” Gambino (a nickname I give him) released an EP (entitled EP) in March 2011. Thanks to Glover’s television appearances and his first music video for his song, “Freaks and Geeks,” EP quickly became Childish Gambino’s most popular album yet.

Cheezy (a nickname Childish Gambino goes by) released his newest, and first physical album, Camp, in November 2011 after signing with Glassnote Records. The album was met with mostly positive reviews and sold over 52,000 units in its first week. Camp is still packed with sharp word play and fun indie-rock beats, but many of its lyrics are darker than Gambino’s previous works. I personally think that Culdesac is a stronger album than Camp, but both albums, plus his three EPs are pretty fantastic, and I would recommend Gambino to anyone who might like hipsterish rap, nerdy rap, or punny rap. Go listen. Get Cheezy.

When Comedians do Music Legitimately: Will Smith

This is an article series that will take a look at how some successful comedians or comedic actors have tried to branch out in to music. But non-comedic music.

I sometimes forget that Will Smith, the only actor to have eight films gross over $100 million in the domestic box office in a row, who was named The Most Powerful Actor in Hollywood in 2007, and who has earned a couple Oscar nominations for his dramatic movies, started as a rapper. DJ Jazzy Jeff & The Fresh Prince, formed in West Philadelphia, was the name of a rap group, which featured Smith (The Fresh Prince), Jeff Townes (DJ Jazzy Jeff), and Clarence Homes (known as Ready Rock C). The Fresh Prince of Bel Air (which started in 1990) is based on Smith’s actual rap personality, which had been popular in the preceding years. The group even received the first rap Grammy ever (EVER) in 1989 for the song “Parents Just Don’t Understand.”

The Fresh Prince and co. released three successful albums before Smith even began acting. Their songs were known for being profanity-free and light-hearted. They have a few songs about stranger topics, though, like having a fictional confrontation with Freddy Krueger of A Nightmare On Elm Street (“Nightmare on My Street”), or Smith thinking he could literally beat Mike Tyson in a fight (“I Think I Can Beat Mike Tyson,” another subtle title). The group found multi-platinum success with their second album, He’s the DJ, I’m the Rapper (1988), but began to lose popularity by their next album, And in This Corner (1989). Their initial fan base felt they had become too accessible and were latching on to new radio stars like Tone Loc and Young MC, or non-radio stars like Ice-T and 2 Live Crew.

(OK, actually I can’t tell if those two songs are supposed to be funny or not…)

Smith had spent money lavishly and owed nearly $3 million to the IRS for underpaying taxes by the time Bel Air was built around his rap personality. His rap group released two other albums in the early 90’s, attempting a comeback, which reached platinum and gold success, respectively, before Smith began to focus on acting in the mid 90’s. Smith returned to rapping in 1997, this time solo and under his real name. His first album, Big Willie Style, earned him two Grammy Awards and featured the hugely popular and unintentionally hilarious “Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It.” Take a look at some of the most ridiculous outfits possible below.

1999 saw the release of Willenium (which deserves a groan for being one of the many Y2K-themed album, and for one of the more punny ones), which was met with giant, giant, silly popularity, and had the single “Wild, Wild West,” which was the opposite of the film it shard a title with: successful.

Smith released Born To Reign in 2002, which wasn’t as big a deal as his previous two albums. It only reached gold status. This album features the lead single to the Men in Black II soundtrack, and also some song called “1,000 Kisses,” featuring Jada Pinkett Smith, which I hope I never ever hear. Then he released Lost and Found in 2005, his newest to date, which is interesting because much of the album focuses on how he was “lost” when he stopped rapping to act, and how he is now “found” because he’s rapping again. The album references Smith’s own earlier work, and even the comedy film Hitch, which came out the same year. At age 43, Smith has not made any more albums, but has continued to make movies comedic and serious, some decent and powerful, some really lousy. He’s grossed over $5.7 billion from his movies alone (that is, not including his album sales—and he’s been multi-platinum several times in his various rap releases), so even though he’s not rapping anymore, I think he’s doing OK.

Hipster Animals

One of my favorite single-serving blog sites is Hipster Animals, where graphic artist Dyna Moe illustrates surprisingly relatable and the mind-blowingly specific types of hipsters that exist in the world…but as animals. Brilliant.

Usually these illustrations have captions which explain and/or describe the hipster, like “Independent Bookstore Reshelver,” “Craft Beer Snob,” or “Multimedia Narcissist.” You get it.

The newest illustration lacks a caption and instead says this: “You tell me. Reblog this with your label/occupation for this animal. I’ll pick the best one next week and rename it with a link to your tumblr.”

So I’m thinking of submitting an idea. This buffalo hipster has some pretty subtle qualities, which when combined actually justify labeling him a hipster. I’ve spent a few minutes thinking about it and here is my submission:

Supercilious Creative Writing Major.

(or, as an afterthought, it could be Journalism Student Bitterly Watching Happy Couples. Or, Waiting In Line For Coffee Behind a Coffee Shop Amateur.)